I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
