So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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