After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
