Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
