broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
