I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
