On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
