Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize