Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
