Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
