I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
