I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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