he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
