My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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