had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
