When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
