you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
