oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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