You really coming over, don't trick.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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