The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
