If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
