I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
