My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
