I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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