just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
