I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
