Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
