you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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