Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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