i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
