i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
