she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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