I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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