im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
