I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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