There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
