i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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