I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
A bitchslap is in order.
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