4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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