Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
