He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
