Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
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