I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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