don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
