I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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