dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
