i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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