he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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