he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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