bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
