The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
