I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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