Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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