i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
