I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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