i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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