i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
