Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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