Can i not drive my cunt home
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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