I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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