she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
