I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
