you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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