Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
