How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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