New low: just hacked my moms facebook
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
